My life, our life, has changed dramatically in the past 4 months.
For good and for the better.
I keep hearing a question replay in my head: What was I so afraid of for almost 8 years? Why did the unknown seem so paralyzing? Did I not realize that having a child would absolutely change every part of my life?
In the best way.
It truly has!
I feel this new freedom and new affinity for life that only a new life itself could bring about. I am not only responsible for myself any longer - but for my baby boy, Henrik. I love that feeling so much, even as daunting as it can be from time to time. I will admit that at first, being a mom was a lot easier than I ever expected. I think that because we weren't planning to make baby "H" I was expecting the absolute worst things from motherhood. Then, we had this angel named Henrik join our family - and I even said aloud one time, "I don't know why so many moms say this is so hard." Now I think that my today self would probably slap my 3 months ago self if I could and say, "YOU JUST WAIT!" Now, even though caring for Henrik is incredibly easy (because he is predictable in his schedule, fun and ridiculously sweet natured) - I know that being his mom isn't going to always be easy. I'm already starting to think ahead to times when he will need me to discipline him and correct him - and just like I dread confrontation with big people - I know I will hate confrontation with him. I also worry about whether he is where he should be developmentally. According to so many books he might be five minutes behind in one area and 5 minutes ahead in another - and I feel a constant burden to make sure he is exactly on target (even though most of the milestones are just a range of normal on the timeline). The thing of it is - four point five months ago I was not even thinking about these things in the slightest. 8 years ago I was certainly not thinking about any of these things. So I'm realizing that having a baby is truly changing every part of my life. It has changed what I think about, what I read about, what I talk about, how I feel about life and my waistline. I'm starting to realize, though, that I really needed a change of pace in my "so called life" - and Henrik - despite the fact that he can't talk,walk or play football (yet!) has precipitated all of this change. How could someone so little do all of that without even trying?
I have a lot of thoughts. Probably more than anyone wants to read in a single web entry, but I will say this - Henrik is a miracle and I can't wait until I can get to know more about him tomorrow morning when he wakes up with a huge smile on his face as if I am the most beautiful person he's ever seen and he couldn't be happier to see me. If someone had told me that I had that to look forward to I would have had a child much sooner. I mean, who doesn't want to be greeted with the world's biggest smile when you have medusa hair and dragon breath?
Comments (3)
Wow. That was a beautiful and refreshing taste of what motherhood is supposed to be. I knew you would love being a mom. It's like "come on, try my crack, I know you'll love it." It's in your blood. You are a natural. Welcome to the club.
@Angie -
Angie, You are so sweet. Thanks for being so encouraging about this whole motherhood thing. You've been encouraging me to do it for several years now, and I just jumped on the bandwagon...finally!Cary - you need to post more often. I loved reading this! There's nothing better than getting an insider's look at a happy Mommy. My Mommy days have been full of the typical ups and downs - days when it seemed dauntingly hard and days when it's a breeze. Just take each day as it comes! Regardless of what each "day" may bring, it's never hard to just love those babies. And the miracle - they love us right back!