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Tuesday, 09 June 2009

  • An Ode to Ashli Hep-a-Lizzle, Part 2

    Sometimes I see her name in my email "contacts" box when I am looking for someone's email address, I always see her name in my address book with her old address when I am sending out Christmas cards, her birthday remains marked on my calendar. I check her blog every now and then to see if anything has changed on there. I just can't bring myself to take those things out of my life. It helps me remember her. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Man, it's been a while since I spoke with Ashli - I should give her a call." Then I realize I can't do that and I reminisce about a friendship that has shaped a lot of who I am today.

    On this week of her birthday, I remember things so poignantly...things we did together when she was well - which mostly involved laughing and being totally inappropriate...and then I also remember the last time I got to hold her hand just days before her 33rd birthday. We shared some sweet sentiments and somehow, even when she knew her time was limited, she made me laugh.

    Tonight and tomorrow night I'm going to see Wicked, which is a very appropriate way to celebrate her birthday... I just wish she could be going with me. So, this one's for you Ash! I have a feeling that I will need to take a box of Kleenex with me just for the time when "For good" is acted out. There is always a certain amount of freedom that song brings to me, and I am so thankful that it is one of the ways that I am able to remember her by.

    Happy Birthday, friend. You are missed and loved.

Thursday, 04 June 2009

  • My new "so called life"

    My life, our life, has changed dramatically in the past 4 months.
    For good and for the better.

    I keep hearing a question replay in my head: What was I so afraid of for almost 8 years? Why did the unknown seem so paralyzing? Did I not realize that having a child would absolutely change every part of my life?

    In the best way.

    It truly has!

    I feel this new freedom and new affinity for life that only a new life itself could bring about. I am not only responsible for myself any longer - but for my baby boy, Henrik. I love that feeling so much, even as daunting as it can be from time to time. I will admit that at first, being a mom was a lot easier than I ever expected. I think that because we weren't planning to make baby "H" I was expecting the absolute worst things from motherhood. Then, we had this angel named Henrik join our family - and I even said aloud one time, "I don't know why so many moms say this is so hard." Now I think that my today self would probably slap my 3 months ago self if I could and say, "YOU JUST WAIT!" Now, even though caring for Henrik is incredibly easy (because he is predictable in his schedule, fun and ridiculously sweet natured) - I know that being his mom isn't going to always be easy. I'm already starting to think ahead to times when he will need me to discipline him and correct him - and just like I dread confrontation with big people - I know I will hate confrontation with him. I also worry about whether he is where he should be developmentally. According to so many books he might be five minutes behind in one area and 5 minutes ahead in another - and I feel a constant burden to make sure he is exactly on target (even though most of the milestones are just a range of normal on the timeline). The thing of it is - four point five months ago I was not even thinking about these things in the slightest. 8 years ago I was certainly not thinking about any of these things. So I'm realizing that having a baby is truly changing every part of my life. It has changed what I think about, what I read about, what I talk about, how I feel about life and my waistline. I'm starting to realize, though, that I really needed a change of pace in my "so called life" - and Henrik - despite the fact that he can't talk,walk or play football (yet!) has precipitated all of this change. How could someone so little do all of that without even trying?

    I have a lot of thoughts. Probably more than anyone wants to read in a single web entry, but I will say this - Henrik is a miracle and I can't wait until I can get to know more about him tomorrow morning when he wakes up with a huge smile on his face as if I am the most beautiful person he's ever seen and he couldn't be happier to see me. If someone had told me that I had that to look forward to I would have had a child much sooner. I mean, who doesn't want to be greeted with the world's biggest smile when you have medusa hair and dragon breath?

Sunday, 19 October 2008

  • Things that are heavy on my heart

    So maybe some of you have heard that there is some kind of "big election" coming up next month. Maybe the biggest of it's kind in our country's history. Well, it seems like people are more hard core about their candidates than usual (or at least moreso than I remember from previous elections) - and it is starting to get a little out of hand. I will admit, however, that if my candidate doesn't win I am going to be scared about the forecast for our country's future. One issue in particular, though, that I am very heavy-hearted about is the  one pertaining to health care. I am hearing a lot of middle and upper class friends talking so much about their fears of socialized medicine. What this says to me, in not so direct terms, is that they really like the fact that they have good health insurance through their employer which covers most if not all of their medical needs with minimal or at least affordable consequence to their own pocketbooks. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. I, too, am one of those people enjoying the benefits of having great health care coverage through David's employer. I mean, I'm going to have a baby in January and it is going to cost next to nothing for the entire process. How awesome is that? The thing that I feel heavy-hearted about, though, is that we have become so dependent on and comfortable with the current health care system that we have closed our eyes to it's demons. What we don't see as we enjoy our regular check-ups and cheaper than cheap prescriptions is that there are people in our country who have horrible health care coverage - if any at all. For people who don't get insurance through their employer it is next to impossible to afford an individual plan. David and I were members of that population for three solid years when David and I moved to Indy. The catch, though, was that we made too much money to qualify for any type of governmental assistance. We had to look into individual plans, and foud that when you're making $13/hour you can't necessarily afford a family plan of $350/month or more for insurance on top of all of life's other demands.  We lived in fear for those 3 years that we might have any type of health issues, and we certainly were terrified by the thought of getting pregnant. This is a reality for people every day, and some of these people don't have the hope of getting a sweet daddy job that will change this around for them (because of a lack of education, or experience or even a lack of motivation). I have family members who have the absolute worst insurance coverage with deductibles that are through the roof - so if something did happen to them they would have to pay an exorbitant amount up front before their insurance would even kick in. What I am trying to convey is that this issue hits close to home for me on more than one level.  Now, before this becomes a rant I will get to my point. What I hear people saying is that they care about social justice - yet the thought of giving up this current health care system seems too uncomfortable for them. This system is NOT working - and I feel like there is a better model that might not be as posh for me - but it will ensure that someone else has the right AND ability to see a doctor if they need to. That's all...

    I heard someone very important to me say this past week, "I was talking to my son about what he wants to do when he finishes college. I asked him, 'do you want to be rich?' He said 'yes' and I told him, well then don't become a doctor!"

    My thought is this. Dont' become a doctor because you want to be rich. Become a doctor because you want to help people live longer and better lives. Something has to change.

Friday, 11 July 2008

  • Sorry, I'm in a hurry

    Today I was walking out of Kroger after what was supposed to be a "quick trip" to pick up some groceries before we have dinner guests this evening (yeah, ladies, we all know how those quick trips go). Well, as I was walking out of the store some solicitor said to me, "Excuse me miss, can you come over to my table, I want to show you a couple of things that my company is promoting..." and I quickly said, "Sorry, I'm in a hurry." Well, it turns out that as soon as I got home I found out what I was truly in a hurry for. It wasn't to start preparing food for our guests that were coming nor was it to clean up last nights mess from hosting my knitting group...I was in a hurry to take a nap on the couch and totally procrastinate on everything else.  Ironic, huh? Well, I don't regret not talking to that solicitor, but I do think I told him a bit of a fib when I said I was in a hurry since I just hurried home to slow down.

Monday, 09 June 2008

  • A Hiatus from the Usual

    Today is my 6th day of summer, and this morning as I sit in my living room half-awake I realize that I am taking a hiatus from the usual things in my life. Things like waking up at 5:30 a.m. (okay, okay, maybe it is more like 6 a.m. after hitting the snooze button every 9 minutes until a sense of panic overcomes me that I HAVE to get up or I'll be late for work) and wearing make-up, and doing my hair and having the exact same routine day in and day out. It is really nice not to have a rigidly structured schedule, however I don't know what to do with myself! A friend called at 8 this morning and at the end of our conversation she said, "well, I should get going - I'm going to get a run in before it gets too hot." Seriously? Is that what other people do when they don't have anything to do? I am so selfish with my time that I usually end up wasting it because I only want to do what I want to do (which generally tends to be watching the today show and taking naps on my chair and a half). I think that the summer time is very dangerous for me because I don't always know how to channel my energy - and you can bet your bottom dollar that you won't hear me saying at the end of our phone conversation, "well, I should get going so that I can get a run in before it gets too hot..." I guess that the bottom line of this is that even the summer time needs its own rigid structure in my life so that I am not a complete waste of space. I could do a lot of cool things, I just need to figure out what those things are! Ideas welcomed! :)


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caryschwartz

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    • Name: Cary
    • Metro: Indianapolis
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/20/2004

About Me

  • I enjoy driving my little green beetle, hanging out with friends, talking, philosophizing and caring for the two most amazingly important men in my life - David and Henrik.

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Chatboard (6)

  • lisaoglesbee
    Cary, I love you SOOO much.
  • lisaoglesbee
    Goin' campin, Goin' campin, la dada dada dada... Can't frickin' wait!!!!
  • KellyMoses
    Hey Cary - I thought of you today.... I was driving down a main road and a goose family was making it's way across the street., now it was no 465, but in New Jersey, to see people actually stop for anything, much less an animal, was pretty cool to see. so -- how are you? I've had a crazy w
  • KellyMoses
    Hey Cary - I thought of you today.... I was driving down a main road and a goose family was making it's way across the street., now it was no 465, but in New Jersey, to see people actually stop for anything, much less an animal, was pretty cool to see. so -- how are you? I've had a crazy w
  • KellyMoses
    Hey Cary - I thought of you today.... I was driving down a main road and a goose family was making it's way across the street., now it was no 465, but in New Jersey, to see people actually stop for anything, much less an animal, was pretty cool to see. so -- how are you? I've had a crazy w
  • KellyMoses
    Cary - thanks for the comments on my blog. I read "she adored you" and burst into tears - which is actually a good thing. I had thought I was "all cried out" - but I guess not ;) I always knew she loved you - and now I'm getting to know you in my own way and discover why she adored you!!! Ashl